Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Redundancy...

I woke up this morning
As usual, you were lying in the bed
But when I woke up this morning
I felt an ominous sense of dred

What if when you left me today
That was my last time seeing you?
What if you were taken from me in an instant?
Exactly what would I do?

But that was not what scared me
That did not make me quiver
It was the happiness from this thought
That made my body shiver

Not seeing you anymore
Not being greeted by your face
Not sharing my life with you
And finally have my space

I wanted to feel guilty for this thought
I tried to shake it away
But I kept catching myself smiling
As the thought haunted me through the day

When I stopped for the grocery
I picked up enough for just one meal
I shopped as though I was single
Just to see how it would feel

I put my wedding band in my purse
And allowed my finger to catch the sun
A smile stretched across my face
I flirted relentlessly just for fun

I felt quite giddy I must say
I couldn’t even fake some sort of shame
I practiced saying my title out loud
Conveniently dropping your last name

I felt as free as a bird
Racing through traffic to make it home
Looking forward to its emptiness
Desperately wanting my time alone

I frantically searched for my keys
And quickly pushed open the door
I didn’t even call out your name
Because I would not need to anymore

I threw my purse onto the sofa
And kicked my shoes wherever they fell
I knew this was your pet peeve
After ten years, I know you well

I brushed my hair in the sink
And didn’t bother to wipe it up
I removed your razor blades, your aftershave
Your toothbrush and your cup

I stretched out on the king sized bed
And selfishly enjoyed it was finally just mine
I pushed your pillows onto the floor
That’s when I got a glimpse of the time

It is seven-thirty two p.m.
You are usually home, by six thirty
I checked my cell phone for missed calls
My mind raced, where could he be?

I jumped to my feet and began to pace
Thinking of the awful things that may have occurred
I reached for the phone and called your momma
She said from you, she had not gotten a word

I hung up quickly as tears began to form
I did not want her to hear the fear in my voice
My heart beat faster and I began to sob
I would have you here now if I had a choice

I grabbed my keys and grabbed my coat
I put on the shoes I had thrown to the floor
And within in seconds I stopped where I stood
You were finally walking through the door

I threw my arms around you
And kissed you as though it were our first time
I pulled you closely and held you tight
And whispered “I thank God that you are mine!”

Everyday I go through these emotions
Everyday I think of life without you there
Everyday I come to the same revelations
Everyday I am grateful that you are here

The flames of our love may not be an inferno
But the fire still burns and our love still has light
I may not be in love with you every single moment
But I love you every day, every night